Ahhhhhhhhh fuck lads, I’ve got my hopes up again.
It’s been a long old time since England have looked remotely like competing over in HMP Australia, but this time……I fancy it.
Why? Well that’s a question I’ve been bouncing around in my small, uncultured English brain for the last few weeks, and I think I’ve finally found an answer.
The Aussies have lost their aura. It’s gone, vanished, fucked off into the abyss. When did this happen? I have some theories…..
This is a major issue as the Aussies, I have deduced, are not and have never actually been particularly good at cricket. What they have been good at, is manifesting performances through sheer bloody minded belief that they are incredible athletes, this belief humming so strongly from their collective craniums it has actually leaked into the opposition, the crowd and the remote audiences heads.
They have been getting away with this ruse since its inception. It can be traced back to the “great” Don Bradman, who, as archived footage has shown, was actually properly shit. His trump-esque self belief (and reportedly similar political views) had him bully his way to a batting average of 99 and so the great deception began.
It’s impressive that they have been able to keep it up all these years with only a few notable slip ups. Their home series loss to India, probably the most memorable of these, was likely due to the all powerful Virat Kholi, who had been the subject of a targeted mental attack, leaving the tour early. The Aussies scrambled to turn their attention to Rahane and co but couldn’t quite infect them fast enough.
Kinks also showed in their armour back in 2010/11, when England thrashed them in their own back yard. It’s hard to pinpoint how this team managed to break the spell for the duration of the series, but it was likely due to the hypnotic powers of Chris Tremletts assuredly huge member that took up so much of his teammates brain power they were able to shed themselves of the Aussie illusion and embarrass them on foreign soil.
These previous fuck ups didn’t quite spell the end of their methodology though. They managed to bounce back each time. Recently though, they made a fatal error that could spell doom for the great deception….they selected Sam Konstas.
Konstas, in theory, should have been the perfect candidate to maintain or perhaps even strengthen the mental cannon in their armoury. He was oozing in self belief, and completely devoid of cricketing talent, a proverbial Anakin to Bradmans’ Palpetine. It seemed to be working as well, on test debut he made a quick fire score against the worlds best chucker (we will come back to that allegation later down the line) and all was looking rosy in Aussie HQ.
All was not as it seemed though, in their giddiness at finding what they perceived to be “the chosen one” they had overlooked one huge factor. Sam Konstas, is thick as pigshit.
Being somewhat educationally challenged isn’t normally as issue in this system, in fact, its quite often an advantage. But the system relies on a base level of understanding that you aren’t quite as good as you put out to be, and so you must work on your mental fortitude to ensure that this never leaks out. This is what builds the radial strength of these deception waves and makes them strong enough to pierce the thickest of skulls, like those on the shoulders of Piers Morgan and Johnny Bairstow. If you doubt my science, Shane Watson literally wrote a book about it, brazen.
Konstas doesn’t have this, he’s not even close to understanding the concept, when asked for his cricketing Idol, he told reporters the “little hamster in Bluey was pretty good”. This complete lack of awareness has bled into the psyche of the rest of the squad. Steve Smith has been making social media videos in New York in a strange attempt to sculpt some kind of personality, something anyone who has watched him play, speak or exist, knows is a complete farce.
Aussie HQ realised their mistake and dropped him, but it was too late. It’s broken, he has broken it, the deception is lifted and for the first time in a long time, the world are finally opening their eyes and seeing that the big bad Aussies aren’t quite all that. A few of them are a bit fat, most of them are objectively ugly, and none of them are any good at cricket….apart from Mitchell Starc.
So it’s England Vs Starc
3-2 Starc.
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